Language

 Write about a historical event from the perspective of an animal.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Paul! Why are you waking me up in the middle of the fucking night? Oh, some fuckwit in a chapel lit a lantern, and that means the British are coming? They're already hear, dumbass, in case you didn't notice. I guarantee this can wait until the fucking morning.

All right, you're putting the saddle on now, so I guess we're really fucking doing this. All because your lazy ass can't run through the streets by yourself. You have to drag me into your shit.

This better be fucking worth it. There had better be a goddam cartload of fucking carrots in front of my stable in the morning, or I'm going to be pissed the fuck off.

So where are we going because of this bullshit? Lexington!? You can go fuck yourself. I'm going back to bed. You can easily walk that on your two stubby little legs. Hey! Don't jump on my back!

Argh, fine. Fine! Lets just get this fucking over with. Fucking revolutionary horseshit... 

(written 2021 February 18)

Fad

 What color do you feel like today?

BLUE FOOD FAD GRIPS THE NATION

by Jimbo - Jimbo News Network

It is called "blueing yourself," and it is the latest dietary craze spreading across social media. The goal is simple. For one month, eat nothing but blue-colored food until your skin turns a faint shade of blue, then post a picture of yourself online.

Being a rarity in the culinary world, the adventure of finding new food in the color blue is part of the appeal. Blueberries and blue cheese are the popular standards, but users are venturing far afield to meet their dietary needs, including starflower petals, and the rare and expensive blue lobster.

Scientists and dieticians, however, are not smiling. They warn that limiting food intake to such a small selection puts followers into serious risk of vitamin deficiencies and dangerous weight loss.

"It's important that people get a sensible mix of vitamins and minerals, especially with these fad diets," explains Dr. Sanders of the Mayonnaise Clinic. "Make it a part of the fad, if you have to. Eat a blue Flintstones vitamin every morning, for Christ's sake!"

Thousands have already "blue themselves" thus far, leaving millions of others green with envy.

(written 2021 February 17)

Commercial

 Write about something you purchased used.

Has a friend or loved one recently passed away? Is funeral planning costing too much? You want the very best, but can't quite make ends meet?

Then you need to come down to Honest Jim's Used Casket Emporium!

We have all of your corpse containment needs, from the humble cardboard box to the elaborate gilded sarcophagi.

Every night, our casket acquisition specialists go out to find new and desirable caskets for our discerning customers. After disposing of any unwanted contents, these caskets are hosed down and sprayed with our patented Casket Rejuvenation Solution to eliminate all unpleasant odors. And voila! The casket is good-as-new, and ready for display during your next funeral service, at a fraction of the cost.

Our rolling selection of caskets disappears fast, so don't delay! Call today! Simply dial 1-800-DEAD-BOX to get in touch with Honest Jim's Used Casket Emporium! Because if it's just going to be buried in a hole, it shouldn't cost you an arm and a leg.

Once again, that's Honest Jim's Used Casket Emporium!

(written 2021 February 10)

Monster

 Have you ever had the rotten experience of having to put a pet down?

I never wanted this life for you. It should never have happened. When I handed you over to them, I was certain they would mercifully put you down. I see now that that did not happen.

And look at how big you've grown! You took my terrible mistake, my weakness, and used it to make yourself stronger.

But you took it too far. I almost did not recognize you. You are no longer the sweet pet I knew and loved. Now, you are a beast of terror and destruction.

And now, it's up to me to put you down properly, as I should have done all that time ago.

Goodbye. My little King of the Monsters.

(written 2021 February 9)

Test

 Do you prefer to read electronic books or paper books? Why?

"Preparing first impact test using a hardcover print copy of Victor Hugo's Les Misérables. You may begin."

WHOCK!

"Impact was successful. Target has been knocked prone and appears to be disoriented. Bruising is already appearing. Bring in the next target for the next test... Thank you. Preparing second impact test using a digital copy of Victor Hugo's Les Misérables stored on a Samsung tablet. You may begin."

CRACK!

"Target remains upright and minimally stunned. Minor lacerations from cracked edges caused by impact. Tablet rendered inoperable. Please bring in the next target for the next test..."

(written 2021 February 8)

Pillow

 If you could do one thing every day for the rest of your life, what would it be, and why?

"I can wake up next to you every day."

I see the smile on her face and the sparkle in her eye before I roll over and get out of bed, a grin on my face.

I have a lot of housecleaning to do this morning, so there is no opportunity to talk, but I don't feel lonely. Walking down the hall, I pass by a picture of her.

My friend from college is visiting today, and I'm sure he'll be excited to see her. I had to make sure everything was in place and presentable.

He arrived shortly after noon, and I showed her off.

"Wow, the limited edition Asumi body pillow! I'm super jealous. You have all of her merch. She is definitely best waifu."

Yes. The best.

(written 2021 February 7)

Haiku

 If I looked into your fridge right now, what would I find?

Ample meats and sweets

A wide selection of treats

Yet nothing to eat

— Jimbo, 2021

(written 2021 February 6)

Psych

 List a few phobias you have. When and how did you discover you had these fears?

"I'm glad you agreed to show up in person," Dr. Lett began, as she sat in her desk chair. "You explained on the phone that you would like to discuss your phobia."

"Mmm," was all I could manage, as my already painful grip on the armrests tightened.

"Rest assured, Mr. Gladston, that a fear of psychiatrists is perfectly natural."

"Mm-hmm," I let out, feeling my shirt already drenched with sweat.

"Is this your way of trying to ease into treatment?"

"Yes," barely made it out of my constricted throat.

"I see."

She got up from her chair and stepped in front of the wall displaying her framed diplomas.

"That does explain why you called a marine biologist like me about this," she stoically said. "I admit, this is not my area of expertise, but I can try to assist you however I can."

I let out my held breath, and felt relief in reminding myself that Dr. Lett was not a psychiatrist. I just need to ease my way into it. One step at a time.

(written 2021 February 3)

Storage

 What would you like to put in storage?

I pulled up the shutter door to the warehouse, and groaned as the sunlight revealed its contents.

"Jesus Christ, Jackson," my partner let out over my shoulder. "Where did he get all of these?"

Mannequins. The warehouse floor was covered in piles of department store mannequins. Every shape and color. Our job just got a lot harder.

"I don't know," I replied. "But I think you should call over a K-9 unit, ASAP. If this is really where he was throwing the bodies, we'd be digging for a while."

The media called him "The Taxidermist". He is easily the most eccentric serial killer I encountered, so far, on the force. He ran a taxidermy shop on Flint Street. We already caught him about two weeks ago. He was completely calm and collected, which almost made it worse.

In his shop, he kept meticulous records of every one of his taxidermy jobs, including his murders. To our horror, the logs listed several "jobs" where we did not have a body.

A record search for other properties owned by him led the two of us here, to a warehouse filled with mannequins. Finding a stuffed and preserved corpse in here will not be easy. I can imagine him chuckling at us.

"Alright, K-9 unit on the way," Dunn said, walking back up to me. I had not walked far into the warehouse, and was gently nudging mannequins with my foot.

I sighed. "Well, let's get started."

(written 2021 February 2)